Shhhhhhhhh!!! The Buzz on Confrontation

Some of you may know my great distaste for confrontation, and trust me, it has been a long journey for me on the road to accepting its necessity. Whether a friend, a family member, boss, employee, etc., confrontation usually becomes expedient to maintain a strong relationship, mentorship, congregation, family, or workplace. Wow, the computer rooms are all resounding with the echo of DUH’s across the world!

Now, I don’t know how many teachers out there have ever had to confront a student regarding his or her behavior, but I imagine that at some point or another the inevitable occurs: some conflict arises, and you actually have to TALK to the student! *GASP* Has the end of the world come in its thunder and deafening roar? Or is that the sound of me hyperventilating? I get to the point. I have had a few students who choose to talk constantly during class and disrupt any teaching/learning going on at the time. I think I came back from break with a little more gumption (maybe from frustration?) than when I left, and when the same issue came up, I informed the girls that they were to come up to the apartment after classes were over to do some extra work. The girls came up, and after they wrote a short paper about respect in the classroom, I met with them individually. And I got a bit of schooling at the same time.

During a talk with the first girl, I found out that I had been doing something culturally taboo during class. Whenever I would try to hush the chatting, I would say “shhhhhhhh,” and wait for the class to quiet down. The girl confessed that every time I did that she would talk back to me under her breath in Palauan and say “We’re not animals!” She explained that in Palau, you only “shhh” animals, not people. It was my turn to apologize, explain my side, and rethink a few things. It was a stroke of humbling to realize that all this time I had been stressing over learning how to teach, or hiding away reading in my room, I was totally leaving out a big part of my job here: learning the culture. Pretty embarrassing for a person who majored in cross-cultural studies, huh? After the rest of the chats were over, it was time for me to do some self-confrontation and thinking…………

The next day in English I read the girls a story about a girl who moved from China to America, and her experience facing the cultural differences. She talks about the anxiety over some of the new experiences, and embarrassment over her family doing things differently. It ends with her realizing that there are differences and similarities in both cultures, and her acceptance of it all. I went on to explain some of the things I had learned in other countries (i.e., in Greece, never wave at someone with your fingers spread apart; it’s kind of like giving someone the middle finger). The girls laughed and were really surprised. They liked the example of never calling purses you wear around your waist “fanny packs” in Australia. There, the word “fanny” is really rude, so you call them “bum bags.”

Once the girls were intrigued and—surprisingly— a little entertained, I explained what I had learned about “shhhhhhhh,” and apologized to the class in case anyone else had been offended. I explained that there might be things that I would do back home that would not be acceptable on their islands, and if they were ever offended or confused by anything, to please come and talk to me. If they did not feel comfortable coming to me, I told them to please write a note so I could make things right. Finally, I gave them an assignment to think of ten things they had learned on their island or in their family that were acceptable or unacceptable. I was amazed when the girls all started throwing out things like, “Miss! On our island we aren’t supposed to stand in the doorway with our hands on either side of the doorway!” and another girl from another island would call out “Even us!” It was like an eruption, but in a good way. It was great to see everyone excited about sharing her culture’s rules or respect etiquette with me and the class. I explained that in my family we were not allowed to chew with our mouths open, but in some places the louder you eat, the bigger the compliment to the cook. I am looking forward to our discussion tomorrow about the things the girls wrote down about their culture. The same girl who had at first been the most offended shared with me last night more Palauan customs, and that the basis of every “rule” was respect. I have a lot to learn about these cultures; I wish I could have had Micronesian class before coming! But now I have 17 teachers who can give me first hand accounts.

Time to Reflect: Imagine how much more of a disaster class could have been this semester had I never confronted those girls. It would have been much more stressful for me and them. So maybe this confrontation business isn’t always such a bad thing, no matter how uncomfortable it may be in the moment!! [heads nod, wise people smile patiently, my mom laughs.]