Catching Up with the Times

SO, i cheated.......this is actually taken from an email I sent. But hey, internet time here has been seriously limited! We'll call the recipient (ahem, mom) by a false name.....just because it sounds so much more literary and mysterious that way.

Dear Erminrude,

Get this: yesterday i went for a nice long walk, and on the way back i went to move to the side of the road so a car could get through, and i totally slipped in the mud and fell on my right side......in time for the people in the car to see! i was fine, i got up and brushed off some of the dirt, laughed a little, and the people in the car pulled over and were all worried. the lady asked "are you alright??" so i kind of laughed and said yeah, i was fine, but it was slippery back there! they drove off and i walked the rest of the way back with a bloody knee, feeling like an elementary school kid, and laughing at myself for always "getting into scrapes" right when someone comes along to see me look stupid!! but hey, i got a laugh out of jenny who always says she knows "a true softball player by when they get injured and they rub dirt in it so they can still play;" well, i got to inform her that the first thing i did was rub some dirt in it and leave it until i got back to shower. go team.

you asked about worship team; they are doing well! i feel as incompetant as ever, especially since they all know exactly what should be going on (and they do it well), but i don't. they are very gracious about informing me and being patient, though, so i am very thankful. we are going to have a meeting this week to talk about how we want to do sunday morning service (schedule), ministry possibilities, new songs, etc. pray for me that i would have some ideas of how to add some things to it, and that i would learn the structure of how things already work. mrs. petallar had a good system, very structured, and you know how bad i am at coming up with solid structure. i suck. so i want to work within that structure to a good degree, but be willing to branch out and try new things; experiment and explore, of you will, but not just for my own sake. i think it would be good for the girls to have some change, and new ideas; i just don't have any idea what that looks like yet. yikes.

classes are ok; students still doing pretty well, though i trip over words and fumble with ideas; it's like my brain fills with some undefinable murky swamp muck and the thoughts have to wade through slowly so by the time they get to my mouth they're so unidentifiable that i can't spit them out correctly. make sense? or is that more muck? :)

tomorrow jenny and i are going to try our hands at building a fire by ourselves on the beach and cooking over it; that way if taylor and leia (fellow americans who are working in koror) can come up this weekend (and hopefully rob) we can take them out to this great beach location (only good at lowtide) for a cookout and snorkeling! we might even camp out on the beach if we feel like braving the mosquitos (and the dengue fever risk). don't worry, we'll be fine.

did i tell you we built a bamboo raft? it wasn't long enough, but it still floats and is just right for kids! uncle maury (a palauan man who can build or fix pretty much anything; he is a miracle worker) saw it and laughed, saying it should be 16 feet long......... ours was about 5. but hey, it holds one of us at a time, even if it does go slightly under the water when we sit on it. we were still excited, and now we know how to build one when we get long enough bamboo. thus, we are the palauan tom sawyers. pretty spiffy, eh?

great dicovery: frozen berries!!! blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries! we got all but the raspberries and have felt like queens; we even had the students try the blackberries and were surprised at how much they were grossed out by them!! i guess it's like me with durian; i didn't grow up with it so i hate it. but wow, biting into the blackberries was having memories of childhood come rushing back; all those summers of berry picking down the road and at the river, then making ice cream, pie, and just eating them plain. talk about a huge blessing in a small ziploc package!

And thus concludes the email to dearest "Erminrude" (and fellow readers). It really is the simple things that keep us going in life; when i try to make it more complicated i flip. And then life is lame. Island life really has a way of telling you to slow down and stop being so worried all the time; God is in control and He takes us one footprint in the sand at a time (hey, we go barefoot here). I miss you all; give yourself a hug from me. Peace!

Summer in the City

Yes. I admit it. And that is the first step. So.......here it goes.......I am officially a blog shirker. I feel better now! Actually, to be completely honest, I didn't have internet this summer other than brief moments, so I did a more-than-poor job of keeping updates posted. My deepest apologies are administered here. But now to write a real blog, not just a sorry! This summer was a wonderful time of being back with family and friends; I can't be more thankful! I was able to spend time with many people, though I did not get to see everyone I had hoped (another sorry!). Let me update from where the last blog left off: My parents and I flew from Guam to Hawaii and spent time with my Auntie and Uncle Mark on the Big Island. We visited Kona, drank amazing coffee, and had a great visit. After Hawaii we flew to Southern CA and visited my Mimi (grandma) and relatives from my dad's side of the family. My oldest sis, Trina, drove down from Folsom to pick us up, and we got to surprise her two kids by taking a trip to Disneyland! Talk about a fun day, and a fun 2 weeks stay down south. We drove back up to Folsom, and a few days later I drove up to Anderson, Redding, and then Eureka. I was able to stay with Christine, go camping with her and Cyndi, and then drive with my friend Alison to be in my friend Christiana's wedding. It was far too short of a trip, but a great one at that. I returned to Folsom and spent time with my sis, niece and nephew, and visit many wonderful friends. (Ok, I know this is seriously the nutshell/little golden book version of my summer, but it was a lot of great traveling!) Thank you to everyone who took time out of their busy schedules to hang out (and those who had to forgive me if we weren't able to spend as much time together as I would have liked); this was a great break. Now I am back on Guam planning school stuff and getting ready to return for one more year at Bethania. I am adding some new classes, so it should be exciting, and I will try to keep you as updated as possible!!

*Disclaimer: due to limited internet time and extremely slow connection, I may not be able to write often or to everyone as I want. Please forgive me, but I really can't do anything to change the limits! But know that I love you all!

Island Home #2

Here I sit in a house with aircon and couches, two luxuries I only get to experience (house-wise) when I visit the city of Koror on Palau........but now I am in my parent's house on Guam enjoying a break from teaching. It's relaxing, but different. I am still enjoying it of course, but it's weird that the year is already done. There were times when it felt endless, and here it is at the end! Strange feeling. We will be leaving in a few days to spend some time with my uncle and aunt on Hawaii, and then flying to Southern CA for 2 weeks to be with my Mimi and relatives, finally arriving in Northern CA around the middle of June.

I miss everyone! I think more than anything, I missed people this year. I missed fellowship and familiarity, and the closeness of people I have known and loved for so long. Of course, I am also excited about the funny little details, too, like hanging out at Starbucks, enjoying the beauty of Northern CA landscape (oak trees, mountains, pines, rivers) which is so homey and comforting, and even wandering around old Placerville. As weird as it sounds to P-villians (not the same as villAINs), as much as everyone wants to get away, it's still been my home for so long. So I have missed it all this time. At the same time, I wouldn't trade this year with it's struggles for anything; it has taught me a great deal, and challenged me as well. God is good and faithful in the complications as well as the comforts of life. And he definitely shows up as our comforter through complications and trials.

Right now I'm a little tired, and not quite ready to start planning for my classes next year......is that lazy or normal? So I think I'm going to just relax a bit and enjoy just being right here. ;)

Freedom Writers

Today Jenny and I showed "Freedom Writers" to our freshmen during our classes, and if you have never seen the movie, it's pretty good. It shows a new teacher working in the inner city, and how she creates a family within a class that is--at first-- completely controlled by gang-related hatred and racism. Although we have not had to deal with the same intensity of issues and hardships that the kids in the film were facing (true story, too), there have been problems related to the class system that is in play in Micronesia. In brief: there are some islands considered higher up in the system and others that are at the bottom, resulting in tension at times between students from the higher class islands and those from the perceived lower class islands.

I have one girl who comes from the island of Pelilieu, a Palauan island, who has shared her aggravation over being looked down upon by some of the Palauan students because she is from this separate island. They apply stereotypes to her that they hear their parents and peers talking about, and I can tell it hurts her a great deal. She is only one of the reasons we wanted to show the film; there have been other issues in the class of students from other islands feeling unwelcome by their peers because they are not from here. It broke my heart to hear one of my students finally confess to me that she wished the other girls would understand that she and her friends came here to get an education, not to step on anybody else's territory.

As a newcomer myself, I sometimes have a hard time knowing what I can do to help in this; how can I make a difference or help the girls see that we are all people: we need each other; we don't need to rip each other apart or degrade one another.

On a cool note: I did have an amazing breakthrough that I cannot take credit for, though it was so encouraging to hear. One of my students whom I had caught copying the back of a book and trying to pass it off as her free reading summary came to me today after the movie and said that because of the free reading journals I make them do (it's a 200 point project for the semester), she has actually realized that she loves to read!! You can imagine my jaw dropping off my face; she fought me last semester on my free reading requirements, and now she is shocking her mom (and me) by calling her up and saying "Hey! Can you bring me some books from our house? I really like to read now!" Her mom didn't believe her until the girl told her that she had finished an entire book! I was so happy and proud of her; and I have been thankful to not be having as many attitude issues with her this semester.

I really love this group of girls, and want to see them really grasping that they have the potential (as much as I hate that word) to do so much in this world.

Find a Happy Place!

I can remember my family always joking about this phrase whenever something awkward came up. Someone would yell "Find a happy place!" while another might shout "Run away! Run away!" as all good Monty Python fans should recognize. But really, sometimes we do need a place or space to be our "happy place;" somewhere to recenter and find tranquility in the midst of a pressing world.

This weekend I was able to go kayaaking in Koror with a woman about my age who is from Russia. Her name is Rayla, and she is working at the elementary school in Koror at the edge of the Emmaus campus. We took out a double kayaak, and in just a few minutes--without tipping over the kayaak, I might add!--we were paddling through dazzling turquoise water, slowly circling enormous rock islands. Although we could still hear the faint noise of the speed boats, it was incredible to find so much calm after the bustle and traffic of Koror. I know if I were to live in Koror I would need to have a kayaaking membership to get away!

At one point we paddled through a narrow opening between two rock islands to discover it wasn't a passage, but an alcove. All of a sudden it was like everything stopped: the noise was shut out, the air was calm, and we were drifting slowly, surrounded on all sides by towering rock islands like peace-keeping sentinels. The first impression that came to mind was "Be still and know that I am God." I know that whenever I need a moment to "find a happy place," my mind will retreat to the instant calm of that alcove. In this way, our souls need to find a place of rest in our Creator; in trusting Him to shoulder our heavy burdens.

So often I try to find peace in the wrong ways. I hide away and avoid, which creates feelings of guilt and greater frustration with myself, and does not bring peace. I think God is trying to teach me that I can rest in Him; I don't need to focus on my failures and frustrations, but let Him carry my burdens. He sees me not as good and holy because of anything I have done, but views me with spotless lenses and sees His Son: more specifically, what His Son has done for me--for all of us. I don't stand alone anymore, but have someone who two thousand years ago said He would stand for me. I have so much to learn about what this grace really means; but for now, I am learning to rest in Him.

Things that Go Bump (and have claws) in the Night

Only on Palau.....I know you could put just about any place into that sentence and come up with some great anecdotes, but really: there are some things that just don't happen everywhere. For example: how often do you find yourself alone in a computer lab at night, freaking out because you discover that the scuffling and scratching noise coming from under the table is, in fact, not a mouse, but a clawed--and possibly fanged--creature?? Ok, well highly unlikely to be fanged....but is in reality a land crab!! And might I add a dunce of a crab that will go BEHIND the wide open door, but not OUT of it so I can stop being paranoid about the safety of my toes. I would love to hear some of your "Only on/in (fill in the blank)" stories!!!

Of Second-Hand Puzzles and Life

So......I'm not really a philosopher at all. I look too much at small details, and wind up missing the big picture. But since I am privileged enough to have life, I might as well think about it a little!

So, my meandering thought was this. If you've ever bought a puzzle at a garage sale, half the time you find yourself with 998 pieces of the promised 1000, or a half the cat from the picture on the box (doesn't matter which half) and the bonneted head of a leering gorilla. Things don't fit, and you wonder why you spent a whole $1.50 for a great disappointment....you could have gone to In-N-Out and had animal fries.

Last semester was like a second hand puzzle. All my mind's pieces were jumbled and confused, and I was beginning to wonder why I ever thought teaching would be a good thing. I considered my attitude and fears, and was looking at my choices as big disappointments. Pieces of my heart seemed missing; the pictures I had in my mind of the superwoman I wanted to be here weren't matching the mixed up images I construed from who I have really been. If you think a cat butt with the face of a baby gorilla is funky, try reconciling the differences between my ideals and reality! When I was asked whether or not I would stay another year, I wanted to flush the puzzle altogether. Well, maybe not quite that dramatic, but I was thinking it was time for a new start.

Then this last weekend, through prayer and the amazing grace of God through the unknowing words of His people (He knew, they didn't really know how much their words meant to me), it was like the pieces started to shift and reshape into a picture I could see. When my worldview was so focused around me trying to do everything my way or fix things the way I thought they should be, it was a mess. But God helped me see how I had lost my passion for Him and His work; that this experience is not about me, but about Him working through me to love and help shape the lives of young women who are so precious to Him. The bigger picture of a beautiful puzzle--the many pieces in the heart of our Father--unfolded in new ways. The puzzle is complete in Him, but I am daily being shown new aspects I had not recognized before.

Interesting: where we see only second-hand puzzles, God sees a chance to make the scattered heart whole.

Shhhhhhhhh!!! The Buzz on Confrontation

Some of you may know my great distaste for confrontation, and trust me, it has been a long journey for me on the road to accepting its necessity. Whether a friend, a family member, boss, employee, etc., confrontation usually becomes expedient to maintain a strong relationship, mentorship, congregation, family, or workplace. Wow, the computer rooms are all resounding with the echo of DUH’s across the world!

Now, I don’t know how many teachers out there have ever had to confront a student regarding his or her behavior, but I imagine that at some point or another the inevitable occurs: some conflict arises, and you actually have to TALK to the student! *GASP* Has the end of the world come in its thunder and deafening roar? Or is that the sound of me hyperventilating? I get to the point. I have had a few students who choose to talk constantly during class and disrupt any teaching/learning going on at the time. I think I came back from break with a little more gumption (maybe from frustration?) than when I left, and when the same issue came up, I informed the girls that they were to come up to the apartment after classes were over to do some extra work. The girls came up, and after they wrote a short paper about respect in the classroom, I met with them individually. And I got a bit of schooling at the same time.

During a talk with the first girl, I found out that I had been doing something culturally taboo during class. Whenever I would try to hush the chatting, I would say “shhhhhhhh,” and wait for the class to quiet down. The girl confessed that every time I did that she would talk back to me under her breath in Palauan and say “We’re not animals!” She explained that in Palau, you only “shhh” animals, not people. It was my turn to apologize, explain my side, and rethink a few things. It was a stroke of humbling to realize that all this time I had been stressing over learning how to teach, or hiding away reading in my room, I was totally leaving out a big part of my job here: learning the culture. Pretty embarrassing for a person who majored in cross-cultural studies, huh? After the rest of the chats were over, it was time for me to do some self-confrontation and thinking…………

The next day in English I read the girls a story about a girl who moved from China to America, and her experience facing the cultural differences. She talks about the anxiety over some of the new experiences, and embarrassment over her family doing things differently. It ends with her realizing that there are differences and similarities in both cultures, and her acceptance of it all. I went on to explain some of the things I had learned in other countries (i.e., in Greece, never wave at someone with your fingers spread apart; it’s kind of like giving someone the middle finger). The girls laughed and were really surprised. They liked the example of never calling purses you wear around your waist “fanny packs” in Australia. There, the word “fanny” is really rude, so you call them “bum bags.”

Once the girls were intrigued and—surprisingly— a little entertained, I explained what I had learned about “shhhhhhhh,” and apologized to the class in case anyone else had been offended. I explained that there might be things that I would do back home that would not be acceptable on their islands, and if they were ever offended or confused by anything, to please come and talk to me. If they did not feel comfortable coming to me, I told them to please write a note so I could make things right. Finally, I gave them an assignment to think of ten things they had learned on their island or in their family that were acceptable or unacceptable. I was amazed when the girls all started throwing out things like, “Miss! On our island we aren’t supposed to stand in the doorway with our hands on either side of the doorway!” and another girl from another island would call out “Even us!” It was like an eruption, but in a good way. It was great to see everyone excited about sharing her culture’s rules or respect etiquette with me and the class. I explained that in my family we were not allowed to chew with our mouths open, but in some places the louder you eat, the bigger the compliment to the cook. I am looking forward to our discussion tomorrow about the things the girls wrote down about their culture. The same girl who had at first been the most offended shared with me last night more Palauan customs, and that the basis of every “rule” was respect. I have a lot to learn about these cultures; I wish I could have had Micronesian class before coming! But now I have 17 teachers who can give me first hand accounts.

Time to Reflect: Imagine how much more of a disaster class could have been this semester had I never confronted those girls. It would have been much more stressful for me and them. So maybe this confrontation business isn’t always such a bad thing, no matter how uncomfortable it may be in the moment!! [heads nod, wise people smile patiently, my mom laughs.]